As someone who has experienced miscarriage and loss, I see you. I understand your pain and I know how hard it can be to feel joy in someone else’s pregnancy. Sometimes it’s easier to look away. Sending you love and hope, and faith that things will happen for you and your future sticky bean. If I could reach through this screen and hug you, I’d be there <3
This is going to be a long one so buckle up.
I thought we were done with two, we were so happy and content with the size of our family, and things were FINALLY starting to…dare I say it, become easier. Traveling, family outings, having both kids in school, they wake up and pour their own cereal for goodness sake!! The physical and mental demands on us as are MUCH lighter right now. Sooo, why rock the boat??
In the 6 years I’ve been a mother, my world has turned upside down and swirled around a hundred times. My priorities have completely changed and my heart has grown tremendously. In my mind and in my heart, there is no greater gift than family. It is the ultimate JOY of my life and I can not imagine doing anything greater than raising these beautiful children.
When I thought we were done, life looked a little different. Brian and Grace were younger and a lot harder in a way. They were with me all the time, pretty demanding as most toddlers are, and I simultaneously had a business that I was trying to grow. Brian was working really long hours in New York City, and we barely saw him. Life felt like it was at capacity and the thought of being pregnant and tired, and starting over with a baby just wasn’t in the cards.
As time went on, and as I mentioned earlier, life just got easier. My business was more established, I felt like I had motherhood somewhat understood, little B was in kindergarten and Grace in preschool, and for the first time in a long time, I had time to breathe. I could work uninterrupted while they were at school and take care of them without a lot of work disruption after school. I kind of, sort of, somewhat, felt like I had a little balance.
And then, a very shocking feeling began trickling into my heart, a baby. I suddenly felt this urge to become mother all over again. I started thinking about the joy another sibling could bring to all of us, about another birth, Brian and Grace holding their new brother and sister for the first time, going on walks with the baby in a carrier and keeping up with Brian and Grace, the holidays, high school, I thought about when our kids went off to college, wouldn’t it be nice to have one still at home with us? And when they grow up and have families of their own, lots of cousins and siblings as best friends. The most prevailing thought I couldn’t shake was when Brian and I are old and grey, would we regret not having another one?
My mind and my heart were made up. But Brian Sr. wasn’t quite there yet. I never pushed it too much. I gently let him know how I was feeling and didn’t make it this big, immediate issue we needed to resolve. I let him take his time with the idea, and it started coming up more organically in conversation, and more frequently. I started to hear things from him like, “look, they have three kids…”, I saw his face light up with pure joy and contentment when we were all on the couch together watching a movie on a Friday night, and eventually I started to hear, “we could do one more”…
We mulled it over slowly like this for a while and to be honest, we were a little scared to go back! We had it really good and we constantly talked about the change in dynamic, the struggles of newborn life, me being pregnant again (I was a BEAR when I was pregnant with Grace and Brian was legit afraid of me 😂), the slowing down of it all, etc… But slowly but surely, the fear started to dissipate and the desire in both our hearts grew stronger.
Cute story. One night when we were all in Charleston, a man approached us in the street. We were taking a family selfie on a pretty corner and he stopped in the middle of his run, took out his air pods and said, “this is the best thing in life, it goes so fast, enjoy every minute. I have five and the youngest just went to college.” Brian and I looked at each other in shock because we were JUST talking about. Later on that night we went out to dinner without the kids, and Brian started to tear up at what the man had said. If there was any doubt in his mind, he was fully on board at this point.
The next morning we were walking out of our hotel, in a completely different side of town, and guess who runs right in front of us. THE MAN with his air pods on another run 😭😭. He looked at us, winked, and kept running. I get chills thinking about this. He was our third baby angel, a sign from God I believe that we were doing the right thing.
Two months later in August, we saw positive pregnancy test and here we are! We can’t wait to meet this little baby, and are so excited for Brian and Grace to have a new bother or sister in the house! Brian and I do know the gender but no one else, not even Brian and Grace. We are going to keep it a surprise until the very end.
We’re going to be doing a Q + A very soon to take all your questions so leave them below in the comments! Thank you for reading <3